


Kriffmaster 4000

by imaginary_golux



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: BAMF Finn (Star Wars), Crack, F/F, Fucking Machines, Kink Meme, M/M, Minor Character Death, Villain Character Death, bamf everyone really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 07:03:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17039030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginary_golux/pseuds/imaginary_golux
Summary: From a kink meme prompt: Rey and Rose combine their scavenging and mechanical prowess to build either: a) the greatest superweapon the Resistance has ever seen; b) the most potent sex toy ever made; or c)both.Everyone else is rather surprised.Beta by my darling and very amused Best Beloved, Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw.





	Kriffmaster 4000

Finn wakes up out of a sound sleep - the first he’s had in a while - to the weirdest sound he’s ever heard. It’s...not quite a mechanical hum, and not quite a scream, and not quite anything else either, but it’s very, _very_ loud.

Beside him, Poe sits up and flails a hand at the lightswitch. “What the _kriff_ is that?”

“No idea,” Finn says, and reaches out to the Force to see if that will help. It doesn’t. Instead of any useful information, he just gets a wash of Light and confused pleasure and rage and joy. Rey’s Force-signature is in there somewhere, and the bright note that is Rose, but he can’t make anything else out, and in any case it’s so bright and confusing that he has to slam his Force-sense shut, like he’s made the mistake of looking directly into the sun.

“Ow,” he says faintly. “Alright, I _still_ have no idea, but the girls’re involved.” He scrambles out of bed and grabs the nearest shirt - it’s Poe’s, but that’s fine, they wear each other’s clothing half the time anyhow - and shoves his feet into his boots, heading out the door towards the room Rey and Rose share at a trot. Poe follows him, and BB-8 goes whirring by at speed, beeping worry for its second-favorite human.

The noise gets louder the closer they get to Rey and Rose’s room - but it’s not just that, it’s getting louder _anyhow_ , building into a crescendo that shakes the entire base, and then it peaks, and Finn rocks back on his heels at the _wave_ of noise, louder than a dying planet, louder than _anything_ , that sweeps over him. Poe actually stumbles into a wall, and BB-8 does an involuntary backflip, bowled over by sheer _noise_.

And then it ends.

Finn shakes his head, ears ringing, and takes Poe’s hand, since he’s not going to be _hearing_ anything for a while. The absence of sound is almost as jarring as the noise was. They hurry towards Rey and Rose’s room together, and find BB-8 rocking back and forth in front of the door. The little droid is _probably_ beeping anxiously, but Finn can’t hear a thing.

He thanks the Force, absently, for that mission two years ago where he had to learn Aurebesh Sign Language, and signs, _{Let me go first,}_ where Poe and BB-8 can both see. He doesn’t bother knocking; there’s no way either Rey _or_ Rose can hear at the moment.

He yanks the door open, and then pauses, surprised, in the doorway. It’s not _unusual_ for Rey and Rose to be naked together - and for that matter, the four of them, Rey and Rose and Finn and Poe, have basically gotten used to seeing each other in various states of undress, given how often they have to share cramped quarters of one sort or another, and at this point have given up on body modesty at least around each other - but the large tangle of complicated, incomprehensible machinery surrounding both of them is _definitely_ unusual, and so is the fact that they’re both unconscious.

_{Get medics,}_ he signs to Poe, who goes sprinting off down the corridor. _{Is it turned off?}_ he asks BB-8, who rolls carefully into the room and plugs an extension into one of the incomprehensible machine’s many ports. After a long, long moment, BB-8 gives a fiery thumbs-up, and Finn sighs in relief and moves to carefully untangle both women from the...whatever-it-is.

Poe gets back with medics not too long after Finn gets Rey and Rose unhooked from the machine, and the women are loaded onto stretchers and rolled off swiftly, while another medic hauls Finn’s head down and drips something acrid-smelling into his ears before bustling off to find anyone else who needs their hearing restored. Poe mimes covering both ears and doing a little hopping dance to get the stuff fully into the ear canals, and Finn duly hops about for a moment. The stuff is very cold against his eardrums, but after a minute or so, he starts to be able to hear BB-8’s beeping, muffled at first but growing swiftly clearer.

“Thanks,” he says. “Poe, you have any idea what the _kriff_ this is?”

Poe looks the machinery over, frowning. “Not a single kriffing clue,” he says after a long moment. “Put two mechanical geniuses in a room, and I guess you get…” He prods at a coiled cord that seems to connect a blinky light to a different and rather larger blinky light. “Whatever this is,” he finishes weakly. “Beebee, buddy? Got any ideas?”

BB-8 burbles the droid equivalent of a baffled shrug.

“Alright,” Finn says slowly. “We know they’re both mechanical geniuses, so I’m betting whatever it is, it _worked_. And we know they’re both...reasonably sensible...most of the time...so it probably wasn’t harmful to them, or wasn’t _supposed_ to be harmful, anyhow. And Rey didn’t feel _hurt_ , in the Force, but I only got a glimpse before I had to look away.”

“Which leaves us back at ‘no kriffing clue,’” Poe says. “Huh. Alright, down to medical with us; they can tell us what they thought they were doing when they wake up.”

At which point one of the General’s runners skids to a halt just outside the door and says breathlessly, “General needs you both at HQ ASAP, Commander Dameron, Lieutenant Finn, sirs.”

“Coming,” Poe says, and the runner nods and goes sprinting off again. Finn and Poe glance at each other and shrug. “Beebee, go keep an eye on the girls?”

BB-8 beeps agreement and goes whirring off, and Finn and Poe head for HQ at a trot. The General doesn’t summon people urgently without _very_ good reason.

General Organa is standing beside the big holotable with runners and aides bustling around her like bees around a hive. “Gentlemen,” she says as they reach her. “Have you any idea what Rey and Lieutenant Tico were doing?”

“Not the faintest,” Finn says. “Other than causing a very loud noise.”

“Quite,” the General says, with a dry little smile. “Well, it might be a coincidence, but I’m inclined to think it isn’t - my brother’s ghost has been watching Supreme Leader Ren for us, as you know.”

Finn nods. It was a little startling, the first time Luke’s Force-ghost showed up at a Resistance command meeting, but they’re mostly used to it these days. Luke’s _dad_ showing up is much more disconcerting.

“He came back about - hm - ten minutes ago, which would be just about immediately after the end of...whatever Rey and Rose were doing...to inform me that Supreme Leader Ren had clutched at his head, screamed, and collapsed in a heap, apparently dead. He’s now out checking on the other Knights of Ren, to see if this affected them as well.”

Finn winces at the utter blankness of the General’s expression as she speaks of her son’s death, but can’t find any words to express his shock and dawning hope before Luke blinks into existence on the General’s other side, looking as astonished as Finn has ever seen a Force-ghost.

“All of them,” he says. “Every single Knight of Ren is dead, sister.”

“Every one?” the General asks incredulously.

“Every single one,” Luke says, nodding. “Also the remnants of the Praetorian Guard, what little of it managed to survive this long.”

Finn and Poe look at each other in incredulous delight. “All of them?” Poe mouths soundlessly, eyes wide.

Thoughts whirling, Finn reaches out - cautiously - to the Force. It’s still...chaotic is the best word he can come up with, as though it’s a vast tidepool and a wave has just washed over it, stirring up the water and the sediment and causing all the creatures to scurry about in a panic, but it’s settling slowly. Rey is a bright, glorious beacon of Light somewhere nearby; the General is a glowing obelisk, power banked but ready to burst into flame at any moment. Luke is a flickering blue light. Finn reaches past them, looking for the spots of Darkness he has become accustomed to feeling whenever he does this, the Knights and their Leader like black holes in the fabric of the universe, and finds -

Nothing. They’re _gone_ , every single one of them, and the Force is stitching itself back together, filling in the holes as though they’d never been.

“What the kriff did they _do_?” he breathes, and opens his eyes to find Poe and Luke and the General all looking at him.

“I think we are all very eager to find the answer to that question,” the General says. “However, just now we have a slightly more pressing concern. Commander Dameron, how soon can your squadrons be in the air?”

Poe shakes himself all over and comes to attention. “Give us an hour, General, and we’ll be ready for anything,” he says.

“Go,” the General says, and Poe sprints off. “Lieutenant Finn, execute plan Usk.”

Finn salutes and turns to follow Poe, first to their room to get dressed _properly_ , and then to his Pathfinders. No one ever thought they’d get to _use_ plan Usk, which relies on the First Order having no Force-users of its own, but the General believes in planning for all eventualities, and Finn has rarely been more grateful for that.

*

It’s three days later, and Finn is both exhausted and more than a little battered - the broken arm is the worst of it, but he’s got some spectacular bruises and at least one unpleasant scrape - but plan Usk has gone off with only a few minor problems, and General - or possibly Supreme Leader - Hux is sitting in the cargo hold of the freighter Finn’s Pathfinders took from the First Order, doing his damnedest to blister the paint with his swearing. The General is going to be _very_ pleased.

And without Hux, who has been holding the First Order together despite Kylo Ren’s mounting levels of sheer batshittery, the rest of the First Order, from the reports Finn’s been getting, is folding like cheap durasteel. Poe’s daily messages have been almost entirely baffled glee.

Their pilot puts them down on the tarmac very gently, and Finn claps each of his Pathfinders on the shoulder as they all file out, then follows them down onto the blacktop and salutes the waiting General with weary joy. “Plan Usk successfully completed, ma’am,” he says, and she gives him a warm, proud smile.

“Well done, Lieutenant Finn,” she says. “We’ll take Hux from here. Go ahead and take your troops down to medical - and yourself, too, get that arm seen to. I’ll take your full report at 1800 this evening.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Finn says, and leads his Pathfinders off to medical, where they are promptly descended upon by medics and herded into individual rooms to be tended. Finn’s arm has been set and doused in bacta, and his bruises and scrapes likewise slathered and hissed over, and he’s waiting for Doc Kalonia to come back and let him know he’s cleared to leave when the door opens and Rey and Rose come in, beaming.

“Hey!” Finn says, and does his best to hug them both with only one working arm. “When did you wake up?” They were still unconscious, though not otherwise hurt as far as anyone could tell, when he and his Pathfinders headed out. “And what the kriff did you _do_?”

Rose blushes bright red. Rey laughs. “We’re fine,” she assures him. “Woke up about a day ago, and no side effects except we were hungry enough to eat a bantha each. And it worked!”

“ _What_ worked?” Finn says, with what he thinks is commendable patience.

“The Kri-” Rey starts, and Rose slaps a hand across her mouth.

“Rey is not allowed to name things,” she says sternly. “It’s - um. It’s a machine that harnesses sexual pleasure and turns it into Force-energy.”

Finn blinks at them, trying to make that make sense. “So it - um,” he says weakly. “It’s a really, really good sex machine?”

“That channels the participants’ pleasure into the Force,” Rose confirms, still blushing so brightly her ears are almost glowing. Rey is looking very smug.

“And then you used that to kill the Knights?” Finn asks Rey incredulously. Rey’s grin gets even smugger.

“Sort of,” she says. “All of the Machine’s energy is _Light_ , because it’s pleasure, and I just sort of...channeled exactly what Rose and I were feeling at the Knights. Darksiders can’t deal with that much Light all at once.”

Finn thinks about this for a while, but the conclusion is inescapable. “You killed nearly two dozen Darksiders by kriffing too well,” he says at last.

Rey grins. Rose puts a hand over her face and tries to blush even _harder_. “Yep,” Rey says.

“Did you know that was going to work?” Finn asks

“I knew the _Machine_ would work,” Rey says, shrugging. “Rose and I built it, after all. I wasn’t sure if channeling everything at the Knights would kill them, though. I asked Master Luke, but he just did that annoying vanishing thing, and then the little green troll laughed at me for like an hour.”

Finn tries to imagine Luke being confronted with that particular question, and can’t really blame the Force-ghost for vanishing. Luke has been _very clear_ about his complete unsuitability to deal with questions about romantic relationships. “Look,” he said to Finn, the only time Finn tried to ask for advice about his burgeoning relationship with Poe, “the one time I thought I might be in love, it turned out to be my sister. I have _no_ useful advice for you.” Which is fair.

“Well done,” Finn says at last, for lack of any better idea of what to say. “I think you won the war for us, so - thank you, you mad geniuses.”

Rey beams. Rose manages to look both utterly mortified and very proud. “I hear _you_ brought that bastard Hux back, so well done right back at you, hero,” she says cheerfully.

Finn’s ears heat. He’s _still_ not used to being called a hero, though it happens fairly frequently these days. Being the leader of one of the more active Pathfinder troops in the Resistance will do that. Kes says it used to happen to _him_ a lot, too.

“Either of you know when Poe’s due back?” he asks, reaching hopefully for a subject change.

“Pretty soon, so let’s get you signed out and go wait for him,” Rey says, and goes darting out to find Doc Kalonia. Rose sits down next to Finn with a sigh.

“If I never have to explain my sex life to the General again, it will be _far_ too soon,” she confides quietly. “Ugh, that was a _dreadful_ conversation.”

Finn chuckles and pats her shoulder. “You knew what Rey was like when you took up with her,” he points out, quite unhelpfully. Rose snorts and bats his uninjured arm gently.

“Yeah, I did,” she says, and then Rey comes back with Doc Kalonia trailing her and looking slightly miffed, and Finn lets himself be poked and prodded and declared healthy enough to leave as long as he promises not to do anything stupid like try to use his arm.

They’re waiting on the tarmac when Poe brings Black One in and comes leaping out with a broad gleeful grin on his face, and Finn wraps his lover up in the tightest embrace he can manage, with Rey and Rose glomping _both_ of them, and they stand there for a long moment, laughing and crying as it finally hits:

The war is over.

They’ve _won_.

**Author's Note:**

> I am on dreamwidth as imaginary_golux and on pillowfort as ImaginaryGolux; drop on by!


End file.
